The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Negotiations Between Administration and Local Gang of Girl Scouts Off to a Rocky Start

Members of the administration are currently locked in a vicious battle with the Girls Scouts of America. The dispute rises from the shocking news that Girl Scouts had been passing off gluten-free products as the good stuff. Andover consumes thousands of pounds cookies each week, and many students rely on these cookies to reaffirm their humanity. The funds are vital in the Girl Scouts’ initiative to supply the elderly with dirt bikes.

Recently, the plot to defraud the Andover community was unmasked by a lowly detective with a chip on his shoulder and a complicated past. “People were furious,” one student commented. “I have never felt more betrayed, violated, emotionally wounded, used, or pickled than I do right now. I’d like to see them without that pretty little sash on, then I would probably be way more passive-aggressive to them.”

This quote is just one of many vicious sentiments expressed by students in the past week. Even teachers are feeling the consequences of this intense legal battle turned turf war. One instructor said, through fits of weeping, “I gave my children those cookies — cookies that don’t even have the normal protein structures of natural grains. I don’t know who does this, but I will find them, and I will make eye contact with them and not say hello.”

A Girl Scouts representative agreed to comment on the situation, stating, “Times are tough. Dirt bikes are getting gnarleyer every day, and if we don’t keep up with the newest models, the elderly we service will riot, and they are a rambunctious bunch.”

Andover has sent an emissary to resolve this issue in a civilized manner, and The Phillipian bids him good fortune (cookie).

Apr 20, 2018