The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Dean Goes Undercover To Catch Students Breaking Rules: Not Hugely Successful

Saturday, after binging several seasons of “Undercover Boss,” Dean of Cruel and Unusual Punishment Deaniel Notakid began a covert sting operation within the student body, claiming his crusade to seek out rule-breakers was a mix between “21 Jump Street,” “Black Swan,” and “Mr. Bean.” Adopting the name Deaniel, Dean Notakid rushed to Susie’s after donning an outfit made to blend in: baggy jeans, a sideways baseball cap, and Puma sneakers.

Making sure not to arouse suspicion, the 47-year-old dean stood quietly by the doors to the bathroom, leaning against the hand sanitizer machine, which emitted a consistent stream of soapy foam. Every now and then, he would ask a particularly hooligan-ish looking student if they “knew where he could cop some of that sweet, sweet pesto powder.”

Met with confused stares, the dean had to expand his search. “Hey, fellow kid, know where I can get some of that abnormal arugula?” became “What’s happening, my main man or woman? Can I get your PGPs and some PCP?” and, finally, “Anyone know where I can find some of that sweet raunchy romaine?” Assuming the kids had caught on to his scheme, the dean decided to duck into the bathroom to hide out until suspicions were lowered.

Reaching under the stall partition, he handed out several notes, with messages including “Truth or dare: What do you think about smoking a juuls?” and “Hah, these tampons sure would make good marijuana cigarette holders — boy do I love that skunky spinach!” As one student reached for the note, they noticed the dean’s abnormally hairy arm and called Phillips Academy Public Safety (PAPS) to catch who they thought was someone wearing the Gunga Suit.

While being escorted from the building by PAPS, Dean Notakid reportedly ripped off his hoodie in a dramatic reveal, saying, “I got you all! It was me, the dean, the whole time. And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for my unfortunate body hair, complexion, and just outright poor luck.”

One student commented, “Yeah we all knew that guy was not a student. He tried to relate to me about what a ‘bummer’ dial up is.”

The administration has not commented as to whether or not this was a guerilla-warfare styled attempt at intelligence gathering.

Apr 13, 2018