The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Student DJ Kidnapped in Dead of Night by Angry Mob

In the dead of night this past Saturday, student DJ Phil Atio ’21 was taken from his place of slumber by an angry mob of fellow students. Armed with nothing but pool noodles and a plethora of hurtful words, they stormed past Atio’s house counselor Dr. Spine, with ease. Spine described the tidal wave of students as “one of the greatest shows of force on campus since Head of School John Palfrey forced four Freshmen boys to carry him around on a throne for a day.”

One of The Eighth Page’s informants was part of the mob that stole young, quivering Atio. He said, “It started after, like, a particularly beat Den dance, and people just blamed Phil for the fact that they didn’t get to leave with anyone.”

Fueled by pent up sexual urges, the horde of teenagers was surely unstoppable, which any bowling alley manager or mini golf owner can attest to. The same informant wouldn’t go into too much detail on Atio’s whereabouts or current location, but did say that, “We’re playing offbeat music and forcing him to dance while we all laugh, so he knows what he put us through.”

The administration has taken a surprisingly passive stance on the event. Stir Fir, Head of Childish Pranks and Parking Violations, said, “Phil’s a good kid, but regime change is the people’s will in action — nothing can stop it and often it leads to a stronger regime in its place.” These are the adults in charge of your children.

Many students are hailing the group as heroes for their enforcement of the will of the people when the rules do not satisfy their hunger for justice. Jerung Medung ’20 said, “When the calls for retribution from the people fall on the deaf ears of the weak ruling class, that is when action is most needed and the judgments of those methods must be suspended in order to bring about meaningful change.” Well put Medung, well put indeed.

Apr 6, 2018