The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: We Found out Who the Ghost in Sam Phil Was, and the Answer Might Surprise You

We found out who the ghost of Samuel Phillips Hall is, and surprise, surprise… it’s Samuel Phillips. You probably could’ve guessed, and we probably didn’t even need this article, but then again, the same goes for the rest of The Eighth Page. Good ol’ Sam Phil has been wandering the hallowed halls of history and Spanish for over 200 years since his death in 1802. The Wikipedia page does not specify, but we can only assume the cause of death was the Commons egg scramble or a duel (that would be way cooler). Phillips is the reason for the stomping on the second floor, the sketchy elevator, and the history classes feeling much longer than they actually are (he puts a time slowing spell on every couple classes). However, the deceased founder of the school isn’t malicious, just lonely. He said, “It just makes me sad, you know, when no one says hi to me or asks me how my day’s going. I founded this school, and I feel like I’m not getting as much thanks as before.” He also wondered if the school’s new motto, “Big. Blue. Nice.” is inaccurate. “Backeth in my day of promise, the students were much more grateful to their inflaters of learnedness, and we knew they meant it. Corporal punishment was but a parteth of the manners.” When Phillips was informed he wasn’t being ignored, students just didn’t know he existed, the shock and sadness was evident. To cheer him up, The Eighth Page Advisory Board decided to throw him a “(Sort Of) Welcome Back!” party. Come to Morse on Tuesday and Wednesday after seventh period to help with the planning and publicizing. So far on the docket are Tea Dumping, Well-Water Gathering, Basket Weaving, Campaigning for the Revolution, and Redcoat Shaming. Refreshments of mutton and ale will be served.

Apr 6, 2018