The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire:0 The Off-Season Life Of The Snyder Center

As winter comes to an end, the more athletically-inclined of Andover close up the Snyder Center in favor of the icky outdoor athletic grounds. However, the question of which sports will occupy Snyder and its 98,000 square feet of Big Blue Spirit looms hauntingly over the heads of spring coaches. Especially due to recent and impending snowfall, space is hotly contested among the coaching staff. Our reporters have noticed that the officials of the Snyder Center seem to be getting a lot more attention than usual lately, and aren’t exactly discouraging the special treatment, either.

Beginning with a seemingly innocent, tasteful piece by Edible Arrangements being sent to the administrative office, the “favors” have only escalated and don’t appear to be stopping anytime soon. It appears that coaches are ready to do just about anything to secure the highly-coveted practice space. Little steps like gift baskets evolved into spa vouchers and gift cards, then into donations of hundreds upon hundreds of dollars and expensive lingerie. The most recent offering was more inconspicuous, but in this arms race it seems necessary. Head Coach Cerioli was seen passing a manila envelope to an unnamed employee of the facility, who then appeared to open it up and feel the delicate lace slip inside.

Coach Cerioli’s team, who before were positioned to start the season practicing on the snowy fields of Siberia, have now been switched and given a locker room in Snyder, in addition to post-school slots. Cerioli has refused to comment on the sudden switch, which administration said was “warranted and completely necessary, but definitely not suspicious at all”.

The shift in scheduling etiquette is disliked by most, except those like Coach Cerioli, who truly will do anything for their sport. As he sat in small claims court being arraigned on bribery charges, Cerioli made his statement clear and said, “I knew fully well what I was doing, and don’t regret any of it. If I go down, I go down knowing that I embody what ‘There is no I in team’ really means and that everyone deserves something to make them feel beautiful.”

Mar 23, 2018