The Eighth Page

Student Invokes Right to ‘Trial by Combat’ During DC Hearing

Thursday afternoon, in a strange turn of events, a student requested that their Disciplinary Committee (DC) hearing be settled through trial by combat. Mikhail Borovorovich ’21, member of Andover’s Slav Club and licensed mobster, saw fit to invoke his ancient right in determining the outcome of his hearing.

Charged with smoking on school property, Borovorovich was accused by several members of the faculty who had caught him in the act, each reporting that he had seen them and immediately shouted, “Run, it’s the feds! I can’t get caught again. It’s me, Borovorovich. Don’t let them know I was smoking.”

Borovorovich, alone, then ran from the scene and was found later by Phillips Academy Public Safety squatting on the roof of the Cochran Bird Sanctuary log cabin. Refusing to climb down, the fire department was called to escort Borovorovich to the house of Jennifer Elliott ’94, Dean of Students and Residential Life, where he received a stern talking to. Borovorovich was subjected to a drug test, where, along with tobacco, many illegal drugs were found in his urine. He defended himself with claims that he had in fact stolen the urine from someone else.

Denying every charge brought to him, Borovorovich had just begun his DC hearing when he jumped atop a desk, swinging a six-inch pocket knife and ordering someone to “come at him.” After none of the faculty members present took up his offer, Borovorovich spoke with his student team and issued a formal request for trial by combat, invoking the time-honored right through a loophole in the Blue Book. Choosing Head of School John Palfrey as his champion, Borovorovich now spends his days training the Head of School in Russian street combat in preparation for the upcoming trial against Elliott.

At press time, Borovorovich could be seen at the betting ring he started, funneling money into Palfrey’s side. Initially declining to comment, Borovorovich then said, “I might get kicked out, but at least I can make some good money.”

Feb 22, 2018