The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: A Letter to the Editor: A Complaint From Andover’s Flat Earth Society

To Those In Charge Around Here,

I tried to be civil writing this, but you cannot blame me for the impassioned language below. I’ve had too much agenda-pushing and I’m “><” this close to falling off the side of the world.

God, grant me the strength to write this without swearing, for I have seen in broad daylight on the morning of Saturday, February 3, in the two-thousand and eighteenth year of our Lord, blatant sphere mongering in the pages of The Phillipian. You and your globehead, propagandist media have corrupted our youth. Is that what you want, dumb-o-crats? To have the children running around with silly ideas in their head, questioning the truth? You’ve really done it now, insisting the Earth has curves like some kind of sex pervert. These con-sphere-acies will not stand, but if they did, they would be on a level plane. I hope you’re happy with yourself, Campus Comics, for your hy-spher-ical lies, trying to smear our righteous campaign. The liberal bullcockery is real in the previously esteemed Phillipian, and I think I speak for truthers all around the world when I condemn you in the harshest terms. We will boycott, united on this global front, against the globocracy and all its fake news, including mainstream media shill The Phillipian, and its lying subsidiary Campus Comics. The Earth, as was designed by our God, remains as flat as The Eighth Page’s jokes. For spreading this simple truth, I am mocked on campus, and my movement mocked across the country. I can only hope that you will see the errors of your ways and retract your comic, which so wrongly paints our movement — which, as years pass, only gains support and scientific backing.

Sincerely,

Shark Johnson, on behalf of the Andover Flat Earth Society

Feb 9, 2018