The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: D1 Talent Scouts Flock to Pencils of Promise FIFA Tournament

While football may be on the receiving end of sports attention this Saturday with the upcoming Super Bowl, last weekend saw college recruiters flocking to the FIFA Video Game Tournament held at Susie’s. Geraldo Fisher, a prospective D1 FIFA athlete who goes by the name Lay-Z, piqued the interest of prestigious e-sports programs such as the University of Phoenix, Trump University, and Bunker Hill Community College.

Fisher had this to say about his passion: “Yeah I just kinda see FIFA as my way out, you know? Like, I’ve had a hard life. I grew up in a dump, and I just said to myself one day, ‘I’m getting out of here. I’m gonna make something of myself.’ That’s when I really committed to full-time video gaming.”

Fisher, coming from Hollywood, is the wealthy son of a producer and suffers from chronic Cheeto-fingers. He spends up to seven hours a day practicing, after which he unwinds from his tiring routine by playing Call of Duty.

We followed Fisher into this stressful competition and got a fantastic insight into the world of competitive FIFA. With coaches huddled behind their players, handing them refills of Mountain Dew and Gatorade, there was no doubt this weekend’s competition had everyone on edge. Recruiters could be seen scouting the talent, focusing on the finer qualities that make an e-athlete, such as an aptitude for long-hours laying down and the emotional range with which they can shout, “MOM, I’M OUT OF HOT POCKETS.”

As the timer ran down to the start of the tournament, many spectators passed out because some competitors had not showered in months, dubiously claiming this was to accumulate luck. With a hearty roar, the tournament began, and the recruiters began furiously taking down notes. Our look into this eclectic field leaves many begging the question, “Do I have what it takes to join an e-sport?” The answer: probably.