The Eighth Page

The Eighth Page Presents: MEET YOUR BEEFHANDLERS

A blue plate, a table. Hmmm. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it. Yes. That’s right. It’s the very image of Paresky Commons. While you animals are all rooting around in your troughs, pitifully fighting over scraps like the subhumans you are, you don’t dare to imagine what’s going on behind the scenes, and, in fact, Paresky has a long supply chain stretching across the country whose sole purpose is bringing food to your wagging, grease-covered chins, pig-boy. So lift your oily, slobbering head up from your cups of sloppy pig-boy mush, because below I’ve highlighted some of the most integral members of this vast column dedicated to serving you.

Jerome Palunt, 6’8” & 370 lb, Show Low, Ariz.:

Jerome was one of the first big names in the industry, and after ten whole years, he’s shown no signs of slowing down. With a pair of real graspers that will make your beef feel well-handled, it’s no wonder he’s in such high demand and working at such volume. In terms of keeping up with your beef consumption, let’s just say that this pro is barely breaking a sweat.

Scorpion, 5’10” & 88 pebbles, Mekenskaya, Russia:

Scorpion is relatively new to the industry, and in a young man’s game, he fits all the criteria. Starting at the ripe young age of 18, Scorpion attacked his work with a passion that made waves and turned heads. In his first year alone, he already had developed a repertoire that many older handlers would be hard pressed to match. Handling over 3,000 standard pounds of raw beef in his first year, this promising young handler has a lot to offer.

Erfried, about yea high & 36 kilos, Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia:

Not much is known about Erfried: where he came from, his age, or where he currently lives. One thing is apparent, however: this guy knows how to handle. He appeared quietly, entering a regional competition. He won with such ease and skill that it was hard for him to not garner attention and offers from all the top firms. Rather than be tied down by a contract, he went freelance, and hasn’t looked back yet. Securing first place at Nationals, he has cemented himself at the top of the industry, all while maintaining his air of mystery.

Ed Knight, 74 golf tees & 18 caribbean coconuts, Pound, Wis.:

Ed Knight is the scion of one of the oldest handling families in the country. Coming with such a pedigree, a lot was expected of him, and needless to say, “America’s Sweetheart of Beef Handling”  is currently one of the most popular rockstars in the industry. Innovative, efficient, with a set of metacarpals that would make Godzilla — and your local lunch lady — feel inadequate, he is everything and more that could be expected of one with such a lineage. A true pioneer in the industry he changed handling forever, he can only be expected to do more in the future.