The Eighth Page

The Eighth Page Presents: Trustees Initiate 3 Step Plan To Prevent Intimacy in Trustee’s Room

Andover Trustees were distressed and sickened as they sat in the ornate Trustees Room in George Washington Hall to hear a report from Phillips Academy Public Safety (PAPS) of “student misconduct” taking place there over the weekend.
Cornelius Van Trapp III, who at first understood the term “student misconduct” to mean plagiarism, reports, “I was walking in with my briefcase and golden chalice filled with my own coffee farm’s java, ready to discuss the seven-and-a-half year plan, only to be notified of this unbecoming conduct, tainting our sacred, mahogany space. This is a disgrace to our 200-year-old beautiful, voluptuous institution.”
Bystanders say he threw his chalice to the ground and demanded an immediate emergency crisis session to prevent further cases of (academic dishonesty) intimacy, in the Trustees Room.
Two days later, the trustees staggered out of that godforsaken room, following a thorough cleansing with a three-step solution they call “The Holy Trinity.” The first step will be to continue initiating “healthy relationship” talks in tandem with a harshening of parietal rules. They hope this step will show a decrease in students giving in to the whims of their youth and an increase in academic commitment. According to the staff of the Oliver Wendell Holmes Library, casual “misconducts” will plummet and Gelb will see a high number of students choose to study there on Friday and Saturday evenings, as opposed to spending time in their dorms.
The second step will be to elaborate on the importance of school symbols and the respect indebted to them. That totally unsensual globe on the Great Lawn, for example, should not be a spot on students’ “bucket lists.”
The final step of “The Holy Trinity” is to station not just one, but two PAPS officers outside the Trustees Room at all times.
“Though the dark room is not usually considered to be a treasured space, it is also off limits,” said trustee Arden Schumacher ’72. Discussions around campus have begun regarding the prioritization of guarding spaces of potential misconduct over crosswalk safety.
Reports tell us that Head of School John Palfrey, a descendant of Theodore Roosevelt, will announce the speaker who will announce Van Trapp who will announce the plan at the next All-School Meeting.

Jan 19, 2018