The Eighth Page

The Eighth Page Presents: The Exonian- WEEKLY EMAIL FROM THE HEAD OF SCHOOL

From: Head of School Lisa MacFarlane

To: Student Body

Subject Line: It’s Finals Week Again! Reminder to Throw Out All Ideas of Self-Care

Salutations, pupils (copy to adult members of the community),

I am conversing with you through the technical space we call “the internet” (thanks Mark!) to notify all of you of what I hope you have already begun to do: prepare for your exams.

Here at Big Red it is required that students give their full effort in finals. Do not take this to mean that we want you to do well, of course we don’t. We want you to fail, miserably. But before all that, we want you to give up your time, your health, your soul, and your future children so that you think you’ll do well.

If you had a social life (doubtful), you’ll have to give that up too. Our weaker counterparts at Andover speak of self care and good sleeping habits, but do not believe this nonsense. Their hours of the day are wasted in athletic pursuits, as if those have ever mattered. Rest will only bring you pause from your studies, and if you want to do so, you don’t belong here.

After four years your degrees (or lack thereof) shall be forged by deprivation and anxiety. Take this with you into finals week, because remember, the only thing preventing your parents from taking you back after each term are your competent grades. Once those fall, so will the “love” you receive. They still resent you (somewhat, if not completely) for March 10 of your eighth grade year when no packet with the Andover insignia emblazoned across it arrived on your doorstep. All blue attire was shed and burned, but with silent tears. They could no longer profess their love for true non sibi spirit or need blind admissions. It was clear you weren’t up to their standard. You might have been a genius, but you do spend 99 percent of your time in your room, alone, studying a textbook your teacher hasn’t even assigned yet. That’s why we took you.

Myself having never touched a ball (if that’s what they are called), it didn’t matter that you didn’t play sports. Your lack of social skills didn’t impact anything, either, to be honest. It only helped you cut off all contact and immerse yourself in the material. Take this message with you and remember that it is what will distinguish you as an Exonian rather than a Phillipian for the remainder of your lives.

Lisa MacFarlane

Nov 10, 2017