The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Eighth Page Exclusive on the Release of Documents Concerning JFK

Earlier this week, thousands of previously classified documents concerning John F. Kennedy were released to the American public. Today, Eighth Page Reporter Aidan Barber ’20 has uncovered never-before-seen correspondence between the President and former Andover Head of School John Kemper. The result is at once enlightening, and informative.

Dear Mr. Kemper,

I would like to commence this letter by expressing the great respect I hold for your academy. It is truly a sublime institution that upholds the beliefs and values of American Society. Andover is the epitome of the great American educational system which furthers our country’s success. The impressive work done by your school bespeaks a prosperous America as well as advancement in our schools. The long list of esteemed alumni, whom Andover blessed with schooling, is more than enough testimony to render your establishment the most prestigious secondary school in our United States. Because of the enormous admiration I have for Andover, I can only see it as unjust if one of my children would never have the prerogative and luxury of attending such an institution as your own. Hence, as President, I would feel forever contrite if I never used the powers given to me as President to assist my own children. Now, by virtue of the excellence of Andover, I will plead that a covenant of sorts be written, signed by us both, assuring the acceptance of my newborn son, John Fitzgerald Kennedy Jr., when he comes of age. I am aware of the precedents this may set; however, I will maintain the utmost amount of secrecy at your request. It seems pertinent that the value of my influence and power is considered in this process. I hope that my gratitude for Andover was not lost in this letter, and I pray that God may bless you and your family with his grace.

Sincerely,

John F. Kennedy

Dear Mr. President,

Nah.

With appreciation,

President John M. Kemper

John,

I received your letter with great disappointment. You bring tears to the eyes of God. Shame. Now, my offers: a shower handle that when moved one centimeter up does not turn the water into flaming lava; the original Wii Sports; an XBox remote that actually knows where you’re trying to pass; marble stairs that never bend; an entire student body that has never committed a selfish act in their life; an even bigger tower and clock than ever before! A sophisticated sculpture that doesn’t resemble a phallus; paper towels for your dorm lavatories; stable wifi; parietals without creepy house counselors; a PAPS officer for catching people who save seats in Silent; anyone you want killed, anyone at all; or all freshmen banned from the den.

Sincerely,

JFK

Nov 3, 2017