The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: An Update on the Goodness and Knowledge Fundraising Campaign

Each year, Andover holds a campaign to raise money for much needed improvements, additions, and adjustments to the school. So it was with great pleasure that Head of School John Palfrey announced a $400 million campaign to raise money for financial aid, building renovations, and whatever the heck it is the Tang Institute does.

The “Knowledge and Goodness” campaign takes its name from Andover’s second highest-held set of values, trailing right behind Empathy and Balance and seeks to “help students innovate, help teachers educate, and force alumni to remember their Andover experience and throw money at it to make it go away.”

Former president and Andover alum George W. Bush ’64 had this to say about the campaign: “I truly believe this campaign is the way to show students they can be anything they desire, except for Jeb. Also, the Addison promised they’d put up some of my dog paintings.”

When asked what the main focus of the campaign would be, Palfrey stated that he “had never seen this much money before,” and would “I don’t know, probably like build a new website or something? I just want to one-up Exeter. They’re getting too smug just cause [sic] their endowment is like $1 million more.”

Oct 27, 2017