The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Parents Who Attended All of Child’s 400–Level Courses Feeling ‘Really Stressed and Overwhelmed Right Now’

Last seen anxiously walking out of Gelb Science Center last Saturday, the parents of Greg Chadwick ’19 already feel overwhelmed by the pressure of Andover. “We can’t believe we’re not the smartest parents in the class anymore,” Kathy and Phil Chadwick said as they rushed across the Great Lawn to make it to Music-400 on time.

“We just came from Biology-580, and I’m pretty sure our classroom was named after the tall guy from New York sitting next to us. How can we compete with that?”

Sources say Mrs. Chadwick missed the majority of third period English class staying late to talk with the U.S. History teacher because she “already feels behind everyone else.”

“I’d rather get an unexcused absence and a 5 in history than spend thirty minutes listening to a lecture about ‘finding my child’s voice,’ doing freewrites, and practicing mindfulness techniques,” she explained on her way to Paresky Commons for another cup of coffee.

Kathy and Phil also reportedly mentioned feeling inferior: “All the other parents are talking about how they have an ‘in’ at Stanford, or their kid who invented an app for Google. All we have is a neighbor whose son teaches Art History at Brown. Still, that’s got to count for something.”

After Palfrey’s speech, the Chadwicks were seen making a beeline for Silent Study, where they spent the majority of their afternoon listening to white noise and making Quizlets.

Oct 27, 2017