The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Twenty-Three Year-Old PG Can’t Wait to Graduate For the Third Time

With only a month left of high school, there are few Seniors more excited to finally graduate than Post-Graduate Rick Brown  ’15, ’16, ’17.  Brown, after seven years, has decided that this will be his final of three high school graduations. “It’s been hard to make friends here because everyone thinks I’m a teaching fellow. Last term, I didn’t even get any grades because all my teachers assumed I was another teacher auditing the class,” Brown told reporters.

“Brown is a highly valuable asset to the team, and his graduation is a huge loss to the school,” said Lacrosse Coach David Haller. “You don’t find too many high-schoolers who play with that much experience. At a mere 23, Brown is expected to dominate the field next year as a freshman in college. At press time, Brown was seen picking grey hairs out of his beard in preparation for his senior pictures.

May 5, 2017