The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: Theories Fly About How Molly Stun ’17 Got Into College

The community was shocked when Molly Stun ’17 posted she was going to DeMoulas University, one of the most prestigious schools in the country. Molly, known for her poor grades and lack of extracurriculars (everyone agrees this is an oddly specific reputation to have) will be joining the very selective class of 2021.

One friend of Molly said, “Well I wouldn’t really call myself one of her friends. She’s kind of the worst, and she always smells like cabbage for some reason. Actually, I don’t know why I agreed to this interview in the first place.”

Josh Bigums ’18 speculated, “I heard her dad is like a trustee or something, or that he isn’t trustworthy. I can’t remember, my hearing is pretty bad.” Another source claims that the Dean of Admissions hit her with his car when she was little and gave her a spot to ensure she didn’t tell the police.

The community took such an interest because Molly has been dubbed “Most Likely to be Avoided” for the past three years in a row, despite not being eligible for a Senior superlative the first few times. Many people knew her only for her lack of caring and her go-to catchphrase, “Everything just always seems to work out for me.”

Sonya Jar ’17 said, “I saw her going to her interview wearing her roommate’s Drumline jacket, and if there’s one thing everyone knows would impress colleges, it’s Drumline.”

Sources confirmed this but also noted that she could have wowed her interviewer by tucking her pants into her socks.

Molly did have one thing going for her: she managed to get a record 13 kids in her dorm on probation because the Dean of Students promised, “It will look good when you are a Senior.”

The final theory —  and the one the majority of the school agreed on, including her college counselor who had actually already shredded her file — is that she must be really loaded, or, you know, the Drumline thing.

May 5, 2017