The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire: This Week’s Top Headlines

  • Host and Revisit Student Exchange Awkward ‘Hug or Handshake’ at End of Tour
  • Varsity Baseball Recruit Joins Dodgeball Team to Throw 98 mph Fastball at 105 lb Freshman
  • Father John Misty Fan Upset that Mediocre Pitchfork Review Means She Can’t Enjoy New Album
  • Affluent, White PACE Senior Prefers Topics of Gender and Sexuality to Those of Race and Privilege
  • Rink Reportedly Empty after Free Skate Makes its Tenth Appearance on the Weekender
  • Spikeball Net Stepped On
  • Report: Classmate’s Intro as Long as Your Whole Essay
  • Pair of Boots in Hallway Prevents Successful Evacuation of Dorm
Apr 13, 2017