The Eighth Page

Phillipian Satire Report: You Are Sick of this Already

Noting with surprise how little time it took you to burn yourself out and reach a breaking point of fatigue, sources confirmed Friday, two weeks into spring term, that you are already “sick of this.” Despite the momentary distractions of friends and family, reports stated, you have come to the realization that you have anywhere from one to four years left in this joyless slog of a high school career.

“The vast majority of you still have to go through the college process, sacrificing your personal health and relationships with others,” the panel of experts continued, snapping you out of your peaceful moment of escapism. “In fact, we’ve crunched the numbers, and it comes out to approximately 2,000 hours of work per year, and we just don’t want you to forget that.”

Furthermore, sources claimed that “every day that passes by is a mere 0.5 percent of the entire school year and nothing can change that — absolutely nothing.” Experts went on to say, “to put that in perspective, that’s like climbing Mt. Everest 44 meters at a time.”

In fact, sources added that you and all your cherished friends are encountering the same terrifying realization that you will be trapped here for a very, very long time. Additionally, the report calculated the exact chance of growing a spine and leaving this school for your own happiness’ sake to be “exactly zero percent.”

Experts concluded that graduating from Andover, on average, takes around “one eternity,” and that “each passing day is but one microscopic step towards the finish.”

Mar 31, 2017