The Eighth Page

Phillipian Humor: Meet the Co-Presidential Candidates

Lucy Simpson and David Hall

Why do you two want to be co-presidents?

LS: Well, David and I believe that this school has a lot of potential in the spirit department. We’d like to make sure that every student of the school feels like they are a part of something great!

DH: Yeah, I think Lucy hit the nail on the head. The school is in structural turmoil. We need a fresh leading pair, we need it fast, and Lucy and I are ready to execute what needs to be done.

What do you think makes an ideal co-president?

DH: An ideal co-president is a vigilante who is willing to risk his life for the movement. They should be an ideal member of society displaying perfection and organization in every aspect of their life.

What would you say is the most important aspect of your platform?

LS: Our cluster constituents and allies in the Disciplinary Committee will allow for a more structured understanding of how to live our daily lives. In 2017, we hope to pass a Bilateral Cluster Trade Agreement, which will ensure that goods move between our borders more fluidly. In that vein, our plan is to completely dissolve the student council as it currently stands and replace it with the Provisional Student Authority, a regime/government that will make sure that every element of a student’s life is the way it should be.

DH: To ensure our society is to function in the proper way, each academic department (yes, you too, art!) will regulate academic functions, while clusters will be split into factions in control of a student’s personal life. To promote cooperation and harmony, clusters will be responsible in the job of helping a student live their life. Each student will be provided with cluster-issued uniforms, in addition to cluster bedding, mattresses, soap, deodorant, and mouthwash. Each item will be emblazoned with our campaign slogan.

And what is that slogan?

LS: “Strength through Unity,”

DH: “Unity through Obedience.”

Any last words?

DH: I think that what the students at Andover really want is strong leadership and big ideas. We believe that through this organization and students’ unfaltering compliance, we can have the most productive year ever. We hope that all of you can see that through our perfect, consistent model of academic and societal nurturing, we can churn out proper members of society that are prepared for the industrial world. We would also like to have an outdoor acoustic talent show in the spring, with delicious refreshments.

Caroline Marshall and Arnav Khatri

Why do you two want to be co-presidents?

CM: Because we love Andover, and we want to make this place the best it can be!

AK: Caroline said it! Andover is our home, and we want to be the parents.

Share some of your ideas for the school.

AK: One of the first things we noticed when we came to Andover was that there was a lack of Chipotle on campus, so we thought it would be a cool idea to have more Chipotle munches, because everyone loves Chipotle.Another proposal we’re pretty passionate about is putting chocolate milk on the second floor of Paresky Commons. We spoke to a couple people in the registrar’s office about it and they thought it was reasonable.

Shouldn’t you have spoken to someone who works in Paresky, though?

CM: Everything on our platform is faculty-approved.

Moving on: In what ways have you two done campaigning for the co-presidency campaign?

AK: We have been pretty active in talking to people about our ideas, but we also made a Facebook group for our campaign!

Do you have a campaign slogan?

CM & AK: “Better Weekenders!”

Feb 24, 2017