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Features — Phillipian Satire: Sassy Halloween Costumes for this Weekend’s Dance

You During Finals Week

Some of the best costumes at the Halloween dance are the topical ones. This year, go to the dance as a student during finals week. Ensure that you wear the exact same thing that you’ve been wearing for the past 36 hours: sweat pants, preferably gray and baggy; Andover sweatshirt found under your bed after a few months; and worn out UGG boots that have survived three New England winters. To make your costume even more realistic, add heavy bags under your eyes, don’t shower, and reek of hopelessness and desperation.

The “4” You Got

Nothing frightens the esteemed students of Phillips Academy more than the number four. This costume will definitely make everyone at the dance recoil in fear. Students will have flashbacks to their GPAs plummeting and to angry phone calls from parents. Watch out though, this costume might be too scary for the dance, resulting in many CCCs. To avoid these CCCs, the simple addition of a ‘+’ to your costume will mitigate the fear.

Who Admissions Thought You Were

For this Halloween dance, be the earnest, accomplished person you told admissions you were. Wear the outfit you wore to your interview: khakis, button-down, math championship first place pin, tap shoes, etc. Don’t forget to carry around your football, basketball and lacrosse stick – a subtle way to let the coaches know you’re potentially a tri-varsity athlete. Stay in character: no matter what people ask you, just talk about your time building houses for children in Uganda last summer or how excited you are for the “academic opportunities” Andover has to offer.

Nov 4, 2016