Features – Phillipian Satire: Andover’s Phobias (Friday the 14th)


This phobia is often found in those people who ask, “Hey! How’d you do on the test?”, creating yet again opportunity for them to brag about their good grade. 4bia accompanies letsmeetphobia, which is the fear of meeting with teachers to discuss a failed assignment. Some common side effects of 4bia include plagiarism, trying to be teacher’s pet, and sabotaging the smartest kid to ensure a curve.


An epidemic at Andover, foreveralonephobia has consistently plagued the student body. Since the discovery of foreveralonephobia, reports of sliding into DMs and Tinder accounts have increased greatly in number. Triggered by public displays of affection (PDA), those afflicted with foreveralonephobia are suggested to avoid areas like Paresky, silent study, all-school dances, Graves Hall practice rooms on weekends, or any place where all genders mingle freely.


This fear is mostly found among the “blabber-mouths” of our campus who always need to monitor the blabber that constantly spews out of their mouth. Also, as we are in a diverse place with varying opinions, we are well aware of the Censor Police who hide behind every corner to then pop out and censor us if need be. My advice: don’t talk like a ******* idiot.


You use the technique that you’ve mastered since the first day that you arrived at Andover: head down, eyes to the ground, and walk straight. You employ the “Three Steps to Avoid Confrontation,” and so far it has worked without fault. It isn’t until someone calls you back to the conversation that you have two choices. Expresses you’re opinion and deal with the raging wrath of your vehement opponent, or force a smile and with gritted teeth, mutter the lie, “I think both candidates are great.”


This fear is most common in places where people are sheltered from the real world, like the great “Andover Bubble.” Offendaliberalphobia deeply affects any slightly non-liberal person. If your brother’s father’s ex-wife’s cat’s half-cousin supports Donald Trump, you probably have offendaliberalphobia. Common side effects include looking up “how to speak Democrat” and vowing to never watch Fox News again.


This fear is immediately triggered by the thought of not being able to send a snap of “how lit the den is” during Senior hour. Anxiety only heightens when you are out on the town with friends, and your precious piece of anodized aluminum fails to deliver a promised embarrassing picture of someone. Lowchargephobia can be placated by carrying around a backpack gas generator, solar panels, or always having adequate lengths of extension cord. So nifty!


With your multitude of plates, you reach for the silverware. The plates slip. Now you’re on the ground, your Turkey à La King, corn, and mashed potatoes lost along with your dignity. Tears stream down your face as a Commons worker passes you by with the pitying look that says, “Sorry son, you’re problem now.” The claps fill your head. All you hear are the claps.


This fear is explained by the following example: It’s Pasta Palooza day and you’re in a rush. Slyly, you cut the line, slinking into the queue like a panther. Only when you’re scooping up pasta does a wave of terror wash over you: your teacher is standing behind you, and they saw everything. You see your barely-a-five grade turn slip into the inescapable realm of four right before your eyes. You take your plate to the conveyor belt, unable to eat after the travesty that had just occurred.


Many people have xenofoodbia, which is elicited by Korean Tacos, Low Main, BeeBimBOP!, Philly Cheesesteak Egg Rolls, and other Paresky Commons’s attempts at Asian food. Recommended preventative measures are eating cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.


You’re listening to soft music, putting on mood lights, wearing nice clothing, getting ready for your date with your imaginary friend (sadly you also suffer from foreveralonephobia), and boom! Your house counselor knocks on the door to interrupt! The fear of house counselor intrusion is very real, whether you’re about to take a shower, or to start playing Monopoly with that special imaginary someone. People with unlockeddooraphobia typically resort to leaving windows open or creating paths to Andover’s secret tunnel system, just so there’s always an option.

Oct 14, 2016