Features

Features Exclusive: Trump Loses Self in Hair

As the Andover community knows all too well, without good hair, a person’s opinion is invalid. After his latest haircut, which went horribly wrong, Donald Trump took refuge within the Trump Towers, where The Phillipian tracked him down for an interview.

“I was simply combing his hair(piece) over, as a finishing touch to his paper-thin highlights, when the gorgeous blonde locks got caught in the brush! One thing led to another, and let’s just say he will not be winning the nomination anytime soon,” said Whitey Bulger, the latest of Trump’s 189 hair consultants.

Trump agreed to partake in an interview from outside his gold-plated presidential suite, wearing a bag over his head in utter shame. We could not see his orange face; we could only hear words exit his awkwardly-pursed lips. He described how not being able to maintain a nice set of locks made him unfit for the candidacy, and that he would be announcing his withdrawal on Tuesday, right before the Democratic debate. When asked who he blamed for this hair misfortune, Trump said he didn’t blame Whitey Bulger.

“No, not my bud Whitey. I blame women. If Larissa hadn’t quit, after Janet quit, after Lisa quit, after Monica quit, Whitey Bulgar would have never seen the ‘HELP WANTED’ sign in prison,” shouted Trump. “It’s the fault of whoever suggested that women could undertake the crucial job of cutting a man’s hair… Damn socialists!”

Trump is “rattled” and “viscerally upset” by this hairy situation he’s in. He explained how the worst part of this disaster is that he is only aiding Hillary Clinton in her campaign by dropping out of the election and thereby promoting not only female empowerment, but also the idea that having a “rat’s nest” for hair is acceptable in the White House.  Dreadful.

As the interview continued, we began to see splotches of tears appearing on the bag that remained over his face. Poor Donny.

Trump followed these statements with muffled sniffles, saying that his hair has always been his outlet to relieve stress. Riots at his debates? Time to texturize. Death threats? Try out some dimensional coloring. Trump’s withdrawal from the race for the most important position in the world, will be absolutely shocking at first. Once the justification for his actions is revealed, however, supporters will surely comprehend why this was just not the right time to “Make America Great Again.”

We predict that after Donald drops out, he will begin a non-profit for all those who have been inflicted with bad haircuts. He might even offer his services to Bernie and Hillary, who surely need all the hair help they can get.

As we in the Andover Community know, without good hair, your opinion is invalid. This must have sparked Donald Trump’s taking refuge within the Trump towers recently as a result of his latest upsweep going horribly wrong.“I was simply combing his hair over as a finishing touch to his paper thin highlights when the gorgeous blonde locks got caught in the brush! One thing led to another and let’s just say he will not be winning the nomination anytime soon” stated one of 189 hair consultants Laury Elle when asked for the inside scoop. Trump agreed to partake in an interview from outside the door of his presidential suite where he described how not being able to maintain a nice set of locks made him unfit for the candidacy and that he would be announcing his withdrawal from the race on Friday, April 15th 2016. When asked who he blamed for this misfortune Trump stated “whoever suggested that women could undertake the crucial job of cutting men’s hair” and when asked if he was going to take further courses of action he explained how “women hairdressers who are incompetent enough to mess up another person’s hair must be, understandably, punished”. The Donald is clearly very rattled by this hairy situation at hand. Trump explained how the worst part of this disaster would be that he is only aiding Hilary Clinton in her campaign by dropping out of the election and thereby promoting not only female empowerment but the idea that having a “rat’s nest” for hair is acceptable in political office. Dreadful.

Trump followed these statements by explaining that his hair has always been his outlet to relieve stress. Riots at his debates? Time to texturize. Death threats? Why not try dimensional coloring. Trump’s withdrawal from the race for the most important position in the world will be absolutely rattling at first, however once the justification for his actions is revealed, supporters will surely comprehend why this was just not the right time to make america great again.

Apr 15, 2016