Glaring out at the historic pews of Andover’s Cochran Chapel, a prominent school official headlined last Wednesday’s All-School Meeting, furiously presenting “Why Can’t You Kids Sleep a Little Bit More Each Night? It’s Not Rocket Science, You Guys,” a keynote designed to bring engaging and thought-provoking discussions on the nighttime habits of Andover students into fruition. The fuming, frustrated member of the faculty, stuttering, spitting, and trembling throughout the 30-minute slideshow, charged students with multiple “offenses,” ranging from “not getting the message” and “clearly not caring about personal health or well-being” to “being literally the dumbest group of high school students on the planet.”
The speaker demanded, “Why can’t you imbeciles get it into your minds? We give you beds. We give you food. We give you a great education. And all we’re asking you to do is get like one-, one-and-a-half-hours more sleep – O.K.?” as he aggressively eyed a row of cowering Uppers. “You must make a visceral effort so that we can put it in a brochure and on the website and we never have to deal with it again. We gave you FitBits. We gave you gift cards. Do you want us to get on our knees and beg? I’m serious, you ninnies, what will it take? Another survey? Another student reflection? When will you take a hint?” continued the speaker.
Later in his speech, the official appeared to stop reading from his script and began to bargain with the students in more desperate tones. “Just–please, you guys. We–I–need this. Just look at how much this means to me. Look. I’ll give you anything. We can do the Gelb dance again. We can get rid of the Grateful Burgers,” offered the speaker.
“Let me level with you here. There are catalogues we need to fill. There are fundraising goals we need to meet. I’m not asking for that much, just a few more minutes spent sleeping. Help me out here, guys. Help me help you. ‘Empathy and Balance’ means jack squat if we can’t even make you get a good night’s rest.”
At the end of his speech, the official began to cry and was quickly rushed off of the stage by an equally-bothered colleague.