Features

Naked Baby Caught Shooting Love Arrows

ANDOVER, Mass. — Phillips Academy Public Safety officers respondedto a call from Paresky Commons at 11:22 a.m., semi-rush hour. NoVal N. Tine ’19 reported a sighting of a missing criminal. She described seeing a winged, partially-nude infant flying through Lower Left. After thorough research, it was concluded that the nude infant was not a stray faculty child.

Public Safety eventually apprehended the criminal, but the elusive naked baby managed to escape by hiding his weapon, a magic arrow, in his soiled undergarments. This naked baby criminal is wanted for puncturing School Nutritionist Russel Sprout with a love arrow. Sprout is currently hospitalized for insanity due to sudden infatuation with “Beyond Meats,” which caused a riot among the students.

This criminal, who is known for his passion in vegetarianism and veganism, is attempting to remove meat from our meals by forcefully integrating “Beyond Meat.” Iemäfter A. Cure, Head Healer at Rebecca M. Sykes Wellness Center, announced that finding the naked baby criminal is now an urgent matter due to Sprout’s condition.

“After multiple rounds of exorcism, we have concluded that Mr. Sprout is lovesick. This is a very serious condition. The cure can only be created by the arrow-shooter himself. I’m afraid that without the cure Mr. Sprout will remain in this condition and Andover will have to eat ‘Beyond Meat’ indefinitely,” Cure reported.

The students are all currently in distress. Sources have revealed that many have considered transferring to Phillips Exeter Academy, a marginally-lesser sister school, for red meat. All members of the community are on the search for this criminal mastermind. If seen, please contact Public Safety at 1-800-NAKEDBABY.

UPDATE
The runaway naked baby was recently spotted leaving the house of Andover’s Head of School. Thankfully, the criminal has been identified through security cameras as the infamous veggie lord, Q. Pid. Public Safety has also reported on the naked baby’s failed attempted man-napping of Head of School John Palfrey. Palfrey, however, saved himself by raising a squash racket right before the attempted man-napping. The flood of yelling students and abundant Snapchat flashes created a war-like environment for Q. Pid.

He promptly flew away. This baby criminal is still on the loose and the search for him is still ongoing. Public Safety has announced a new contact number for Q. Pid related emergencies: 1-800-GETREDMEAT. If you see something, say something.

Feb 19, 2016