So long, farewell. Our time has come for parting. We wish we could stay with you forever more, riding on the back of your tamed pterodactyl all the way to Santa Rosa, Calif. But no.
Many students have approached us in sheer fright after encountering you on the path. They ask: Does Emily have a soul? Is Emily funny? Is she even human? In those dreary days before I got to know you, I, too, thought you were a mysterious blond dragon with a dark veil hiding your blue eyes. But now, after thousands of hours spent crunched in the corner of the Newsroom with you, John and I feel like we have removed that dark veil. We feel like we know you. And we know that we love you.
If we were to describe you in one word, we would choose “closet.” You are a closet in many ways. At first, when you take a gander, you see a wooden door. But then, you take hold of the door handles, swing them open, and you are launched into a world of splendor and adventure. You hide so many nifty and saucy secrets in your closet.
Everybody makes mistakes. Everybody has those days. Even you. Remember that time you squeezed lemons in your hair in hopes of turning into a classic Californian blonde #allnatural. Well, Em, your hair turned orange. Whoops! At least you were fabulous, artsy and unique! At least you were a sprouted carrot!
I usually live with the motto “No Regrats”, especially after I tattooed that across your scalp last month. But I do, indeed, have one regrat. On that fabled night when I stole Juju’s Bluecard and dashed to the den, I lost your scarf. I still look for your scarf every afternoon. I feel like my soul is attached to that scarf, just as my soul is attached to you. I believe that your scarf is one of your horcruxes, and I must find it in order to prevent the evil lizards from destroying it! Iem Stell after that scarf. I’ll find it one day.
So Emily, my dearest Anderson of Emily, I will miss you. I will miss having conversations with you in extinct languages. I will miss sitting on your lap every night. Please, don’t shrivel into a ball when Features permanently exits your life. We will carry your soul and all of your horcruxes into the future.
a little bit of JohnWu
Iem Stell Afterü
P.S. We know about your secret family in Canada.