Welcome to the reign of John and Emma. Together, with the help of our board of advisors, we aim to be both strict and kind leaders. We will be strict in the sense that we are intolerant of people who don’t read Features, yet our kindness is evident because we cause you to roll over your creaky dorm beds laughing your butt off. We strive to make you not only laugh but also call your Biology teacher at midnight bawling your eyes out because you have fractured your rib cage.
We do express our condolences to our former leaders, who have been fired and demoted. However, you will be happy to know that they are having the time of their lives as the secretaries for Math 100’s substitute teacher and sweeper of leaves in the graveyard, respectively. Anyway, enough about them: Long story short, you will love us. If not, please feel free to submit your complaints as soon as CXL takes over.
With eyes looking
down on y’all,
Your faithful president
Your naughty substitute teacher