Features

Fire up your Grill: We are Roasting CXXXIX

Upper Management We at Features are excited to see the heavy bags under Upper Management’s eyes. By joining Upper Management, they have signed away their youth, sleep and freedom, all for the sake of a fancy piece of fire kindling, The Phillipian. Each member of Upper Management has her or his own perks, quirks and smells.

Chaya is a red pen. Ever since she realized she wanted to be Upper Management in fourth grade after she stole a copy of The Phillipian from her hair dresser, she has been editing everything she sees. She leaves her red mark on everything problematic that she comes in contact with, ranging from smelly bathroom stalls to her PE teacher’s face.

It is certainly a joy that the Editorial Board now has a dad. We have been adopted by Jack Twomey, who shall be referred to as “Father” (and under very special circumstances, “Dad”). Those who know Father praise him for being the paragon of an altruistic person.

Who is The Phillipian’s mother you ask? Not Juju. Juju is not a real person, rather a rosy-cheeked, freckled alien who has now gained the keys to the universe by becoming Editor in Chief. She may be Editor in Chief, but she will always be a Senior Features Associate to us. And oh, the little nugget Alexa. We almost forgot. She selfishly ditched the Sports section, a section that is bound to fall into a fiery ball of anarchy in her absence. But besides that, we have confidence that Alexa will bring her dear friend, Brandy Melville, and a little bit of editing skill to the Newsroom.

The four musketeers will have to give up their social lives and will probably only be friends with each other. Well, you can’t give up something you never had, so maybe Upper Management will survive.

Sports When members of the Sports Section are worried about not getting enough exercise, they reassure themselves by chugging copious amounts of raw whey powder and “editing” their articles. As Victoria Bergeron, Sports Editor Vol. CXXXVIII, said, “Editing articles about winning makes my muscles bulge and my tendons burst.”

Now that the four Editors have accidentally disposed of their prized treasure, Alexa, they are now all afloat in an unexplored territory of “limbo” where they don’t know how to edit, interview or even begin to think about athletes at Andover.

However, the Sports Editors’ knowledge of sports at Andover gives us hope, as all of the Sports Editors are varsity athletes… oh wait. Well, their pages at the end of the paper might be destined for the recycling bin. Sports, please remember: #dontsettle & #whateverittakes.

Photo What’s even weirder than Photo’s mysterious and magic photo boxes? Leah and James’s identical turtlenecks that they wear on the same day. Sure, their very detailed paintings scattered throughout each issue of the The Phillipian, but all Leah and James have to do is press down on a button! Just because their cameras are almost as big as their egos doesn’t mean they are somethin’ special.

Arts & Leisure It’s quite disturbing that Kost and Morgan think that people at Andover have time for leisure. While they attempt to capture the attention of readers, Arts ledes make the reader feel like they are eating a frozen bowl of clam chowder: rubbery and gross. Arts attempts to stir up interesting stories about bland events or people but as Coldplay famously stated: “When you try your best but you don’t succeed…”

Arts & Leisure failed Geometry at Andover, as they seem adamant that a corner is actually seven-tenths of a page. Chloe’s Corner needs to stay in the corner.

It’s ok, Arts. We applaud you for trying to be artsy. Maybe one day you’ll start a Tumblr.

News Some say the News Section is the heart and sole of the The Phillipian, taking up the precious front page and center pages of the paper. But we think the News Section acts as the intestines of the paper: producing bile and churning out excrement.

The pages of News are always pristine, never wrinkled or folded, because no one ever dares to delve into the monotonous language and uninteresting “news.” Everyone who reads News already experienced what happened firsthand, so who would want to read about it again?

A positive aspect of News is how environmentally friendly it is, as it is always the first part of the paper to be recycled. But News is resilient. No matter how many weeks in a row people do not read that section, they continue to write fiercely and bravely in a cold world full of apathy towards their section.

We commend News for their passion; they continue to write fiercely and bravely in a cold world full of apathy towards their section. Do not fret Andover; News will continue to write wordy Lee(ds) until they are no longer Yun and the Candy ain’t so sweet anymore.

    Onwards and upwards!

Commentary Isn’t it lovely when an Andover student shoves their superfluous opinions down your throat? Isn’t it lovely when those opinions shape shift into letters and arrive on the first few pages of The Phillipian, accompanied by somber cartoons? #Sorrynotsorry but sometimes, Sewon and Nancy, we think you should stop ranting for a second and appreciate all that is good in your life. For example, The Phillipian still gives you paper to print your endless complaints, even if your pages end up as wrapping paper, toilet paper, clothing or in Cross Country runners’ wet shoes that signify the tears that are shed from reading about all your moanin’. Maybe we should write a Commentary article about how Commentary needs to stop commentating. Whoop, there it is.

Feb 5, 2016