Features

Farewell, Supreme Leader

Dear Juju,

We were disappointed but not surprised when you gave up on your position as a Features Editor for the lower-commitment position of Editor in Chief. While it was certainly fun for all of us to be the only ones laughing in the Newsroom on a Wednesday night, we recognize that being EIC will lighten up your schedule. You need to pursue other interests, such as picking potatoes, just like your ancestors did.

Now that we have fired you, we hope that you will take the opportunity to reflect on the time you spent in the best corner of the Newsroom. Think about all the times when you had to control us. Don’t forget about the pain and agony we experienced when we would open our writers’ submissions only to realize that nothing was funny.

You know, you’re actually kind of funny (sometimes). While you may believe otherwise, you did not inherit your power from Jack. Instead, it was true sweat, dedication and a sprinkle of humor that landed you as Co-Queen of Features. Without you, we would not have had love or Hiss Hiss Dootley Dootley.

Sometimes, we wonder if you are 100 percent human. Your appearance led us to believe that you were a gift to us from Aphrodite, and we swear that we saw Athena dropping you off disguised as a lost new Lower.

Do you think you’re hot, Juju? We see you in silent study, contemplating what to do with as many baes as freckles. Huh? Huh, Juju, huh?

Here are three words that we came up with when we thought of you: elegant, electricity and juxtaposition.

Please do not censor us. Please sit on our side of the Newsroom. Please keep overheating and having rosy cheeks. We would say that we’ll miss you but you’re going to be around so yeah, not really.

Juju, we hope that you will feel better about your layoff after reading this letter. Remember that we are always here to offer you guidance should it be necessary.

Love,
John Wu
Emma Rosz Kelley
Iem Stell Afterü

John Wu and Emma Kelley are a hapily-married couple from Toronto, Canada. Iem Stell Afterü is still after you, and is from Little Rock, Ark.

Feb 5, 2016