Whoa, where am I? This kind of looks like the Den, but with lace drapes and wooden stools. Looks like there is a Den dance going on, but where are all the girls? There is an accordion player sneakily blasting out Chopin and daring students nervously getting up to square dance with no adult supervision. As I stride into the Den Market, the smell of churning butter overwhelms my nostrils. I try to use my BlueCard to pay for my number five crumpets comb, but the cashier gives me a nasty look and demands two pennies.
Look! It’s Paul Revere, leading the Junior Varsity Non-Water Polo team on a ride across the quads. What’s this, an original copy of the Blue Scroll from 1778, hand-scribed with the quill of Samuel Phillips? Let’s see what this Andover from the past is all about.
The Andover Constitution – THE BLUE SCROLL
I, Samuel Phillips, move to establish a school where our mission is to educate youth from every quarter, but especially the top 10%. Any student who does not meet our expectations will be publicly tarred and feathered; this will double as student entertainment and will be published on the Weekender every week. Here are the rules:
Horse Drawn Carriage Permission:
Any student wishing to go for a jaunt in someone’s horse-drawn carriage must send a carrier pigeon with a formal, handwritten letter to Samuel Phillips requesting permission. The letter must be sent two weeks in advance because the pigeon might get lost or catch bird flu. Permission will most likely not be granted.
Our youngest gentlemen, the Juniors, will be required to blow out all of their candles when the bell tolls. Any students found with a candle lit after hours will be dumped into Rabbit Pond along with the Wild Sweet Orange Tea. Additionally, we would like to remind students that matches, neither wooden nor romantic, are permitted.
Abbot Social Hour:
At five o’clock sharp every 29th of February, the gates of Phillips Academy will be opened for students from Abbot Academy. During this hour, the Abbot students may roam around the campus, seeking for the companionship of Andover students. If they are to enter a dormitory, the door must be propped open with a phonograph.
The Transportation Act:
Students are reminded that washing boards are not allowed on campus. This is to ensure the safety of our community, as our messenger informed us yesterday that there was a tragic incident at our peer school two years ago involving a washing board.