Features

The Legend of Gelb

On a frigid night in January 2014, as the wind blew lethal chunks of snow across campus, students flocked to the Gelb Science Center for a legendary winter dance called “Gelb.” Dressed in skimpy loincloths and neon leg warmers, students danced the night away on each floor of the science building.

Some people rubbed a few too many of their limbs against each other, while some square danced awkwardly to pitchy country music on the first floor. As the night wore on, each floor of the Gelb Science Center grew hotter and hotter as the teenagers continued to get wild.

After glancing at his own drenched T-shirt, one student famously said, “This isn’t my sweat!” DJ Khaled turned up the beats with each minute, major key, bless up.

Some students left with each other to do homework; others stayed and continued to get down and dirty on the dance floor. The students’ wild dance moves caused violent vibrations throughout the building.

Unbeknownst to the students, their beloved “Gelb” dance was creating an ideal environment for some dangerous bacteria right under their jigging feet. In the basement of the science center on that cold January night, bacteria were having closed-beaker parietals.

In the ideal humidity and heat that the students’ abundant sweat had created, the bacteria were inclined to reproduce rapidly.

Because the bacteria multiplied so quickly, many seeped out of their beakers, under the doorways and out into the open world. The bacteria then caused global warming (@Liberals). Of course, faculty decided to cancel Andover’s beloved “Gelb” dance indefinitely and outlaw any type of reproduction on campus.

Last year, “Gelb” was replaced with a less fun dance in Commons. Some freshmen pretended they knew what the original “Gelb” had been like, calling the new dance “Gommons 2k15”.
Upperclassmen mourned the loss of the legendary dance that they had looked forward to since their births. Nothing in or out of the ordinary occurred at last year’s dance, so faculty members voted unanimously to hold the dance in Commons again this year.

However, the Dean of Bread voiced his concern regarding a potential yeast infection in the pantry of Commons. “If the temperature reaches 375 fahrenheit, all of the yeast in our pantries could begin to rebel. I say, don’t dough it. Don’t hold the dance in Commons. It could be pretty crummy.”

Of course, no one listens to Dean of Bread. Be ready for the dance this weekend, “Gommons 2k16”!

Jan 22, 2016