Features

Do You Wanna Build a Wall?

Citizens of the United Clusters of Andover are globally known for their massive exportations of English essays written haphazardly at 3 a.m., along with Spotify playlists consisting of try-hard hipster-techno and laptops covered in stickers.

Every resident of the country contributes to the systematic production of these exports along with other items. If a citizen for some reason does not attend their scheduled working time, they receive the most horrifying punishment of all: the dreaded Unexcused Absence.

“I think receiving an Unexcused Absence would probably be worse than ten years of prison time in a pickle jar,” stated one scared citizen.

Given the 20-foot fence lined with take-home tests and fire inspectors to ward off stray students along the border between U.C.A and the United States of America, it’s extremely hard for citizens to receive imports of any kind. For this reason, there is an insanely high demand and an underground black market for items not produced inside the U.C.A borders.

“A few days ago, I was having trouble focusing so I had to give in and spend 84 dollars on a pack of spearmint Orbit,” said one citizen. “I couldn’t even afford the strawberry Layers I usually get – the price went up to 86 BlueBucks a pack.” There’s a gang of citizens who are known as “day students,” who essentially control this underground market.

These aforementioned “day students” have the enviable luxury of access to both U.C.A and the outside world and are able to purchase in-demand items to sell inside borders, occasionally smuggling U.C.A residents across the border for one night of culture exposure.

“I couldn’t stand to spend one more night with my roommate, so I did one day student’s homework for three and a half weeks in advance so she’d drive me to Chipotle for 12 minutes,” said one desperate resident of U.C.A, who preferred to remain nameless. “It was totally worth it.”

Jan 14, 2016