Features

Staying off the Grass

At exactly 4:20 p.m., Mary Jane ’17, who had just left Baking Club, broke one of the most venerated rules on campus: Walking on the grass without zig-zagging.

Since she had gotten so little sleep the night before, she was red-eyed and lethargic. She had already attended first period, pottery class, and had decided to give up and head to the Sleep Room.

Desperately tired, Jane tried cutting through the grass on her way to Isham. However, she had been rather air-headed lately and forgot the latter half of Mr. Palfrey’s words, remembering only “Feel free to stay on the grass,” and not “Remember to zig-zag.” Thankfully, due to PAPS’s quick response time and incredible reliability, her heinous crime was stopped in its tracks within a matter of seconds.

Consequently, she will be penalized by having the printers in the library jammed right as she needs to print out an essay before English class. She also has to stand behind her teachers in Commons’ lines attempting to make awkward conversation. The food item for which they were both waiting will then run out, prolonging the conversation.

The student body had quite a lot to say about the charges against Mary Jane.

“We were co-heads of the Baking Club, and the club lit up under our joint leadership. She was a budding baker, and her brownies were particularly potent. She showed huge potential, and even knit everyone in the club a potholder. I’m very disappointed in her actions, and any punishment she receives is deserved,” said Herb Banning ’17.

Others felt differently, however.

“I mean, is it really that bad?” said Jay Rollings ’19. “Sure, if you cut through the grass every day then it’s a problem, but this was her first time. It wasn’t even affecting her work at all. We should all stop worrying and just be happy.”

“I hate to be blunt, but she should be expelled immediately! Everybody knows that cutting through the grass without zig-zagging is a gateway to more serious offenses like hole punching your BlueCard or stealing Den Cookies. As an academy dedicated to higher learning, we are seriously disappointed,” said Banning.
More news is yet to come on the situation. In the meantime, it would be wise to stay off the grass.

Oct 15, 2015