Features

FEATURES FOUND GUILTY OF ARSON

After a grueling 47-minute trial, Features has finally been found guilty of burning down their dorm in East Quad West.

On a grim Tuesday night around 9:30 p.m., Snooki the Fire Inspector knocked on the door of Features’ humble abode. When no one responded, she entered the room and was horrified by the scene that lay before her. Not only were there Christmas lights strung around the ceiling of the room, but there were lights wrapped around every single book, article of clothing and piece of furniture.

As Snooki rushed out to report the heinous crime, Features returned to their room and proceeded to turn on the lights, using 24 billion watts of energy, and setting the entire dorm on fire. It burned to the ground and the displaced students are now being housed in suites at the Andover Inn. They’re not even mad.
During the subsequent trial, the prosecution called four witnesses to the stand, the first of them being Snooki the Fire Inspector. She was asked to describe the scene she encountered upon entering Features’ residence.

She replied, “I like knocked on the door a few times and like didn’t hear anything. I walked in that room and ohmygod, everything from their underwear to their fire alarm was just like wrapped in these Christmas lights. I was just like, like horrified that they put their homies in so much danger.”

Next, the prosecution called up the Dean of the Language of the Blue Book. She was questioned about the Blue Book’s stance on Christmas lights. The Dean of Language claimed that the exact words “Christmas lights” were not printed in the Blue Book. The Blue Book only makes references to strands of lights, and these lights were not on a strand. How dare they not make more effort to include all types of lights in this so-called “inclusive language.” The panel for the alteration of the Blue Book was thrown into a frenzy upon hearing this report, and has since announced that it will need to completely rewrite the entire thing.

“We expect a new Blue Book to come out in the Fall of 2025,” said a panel representative. “In the meantime, students will have to guess what is legal or not. Rule-breakers will still be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.”

Santa was then called and asked why students like to hang Christmas lights in their rooms, to which he replied, “Ho ho ho.” He was immediately escorted out of the courtroom, and rode swiftly away on his sleigh to avoid a CCC for inappropriate language. The jury was appalled.

Finally, Features was called to the stand. The prosecution questioned them about their intent for the Christmas lights. Features replied, “I was just tryna set a chill mood in mah room man, cha feel?”
The jury felt, then went into a three-day deliberation.

Features was found guilty of Arson and fled the courtroom before PAPS could apprehend them. They are now wanted, and the school is offering a Den smoothie as reward for their capture. Once they are found, they will be put on indefinite double-secret probation.

Oct 15, 2015