Features

Car Permission

At roughly 1500 hours, Andover student Anita Six was spotted entering a mysterious vehicle near Abbot campus. A PAPS vehicle surreptitiously followed the suspect’s car until it stopped at the back door of the Borden Gym, where Ms. Six was spotted hurriedly exiting the car.

The driver, identified as Andover day student John Oober, defended himself, “It wasn’t my fault. Anita told me she was running late for Instructional Squash and needed a ride.”

During the questioning, the investigator noted that there were about seven or eight other students squished in the backseat of Oober’s car.

The PAPS officer recognized Anita from her daily trudges past his office, and immediately shouted her name as she attempted to enter the gym. Realizing her fate, Anita made no attempt at denying her felony; she guiltily approached the officer and was escorted back to the PAPS vehicle in handcuffs.

Once the court was informed of Anita’s horribly sinful wrongdoing, her trial date was scheduled promptly. During the prosecution’s opening statement describing the crime Anita had committed, every mouth in the courtroom dropped wide open. Nobody could believe that anyone would do such an awful thing — none of the spectators were aware that such cold-hearted, illicit activities took place on Andover’s holy campus.

Unsurprisingly, the jury was so shocked by Anita’s crime that she was convicted unanimously. Her punishment, as determined by the jury, was initially the loss of car permission privileges for the rest of her years at Andover, but a subsequent detailed review of the crime prompted the committee to increase the punishment to include banning Ms. Six from the Den and requiring her to walk to her away games due to her irresponsibility with moving vehicles. A note of recommendation was also filed to send to her future college informing them of her horrible wrongdoing.

“Now she’ll REALLY never be able to escape,” said an anonymous member of the committee. “We feel that this punishment will make Anita feel more safe and comfortable and help her find an appreciation for the guidance and support provided to her by adults at Andover.”

Oct 15, 2015