The sun is shining in glittery rays, as silky beads of saltwater roll down my mountainous pectorals and then pay a visit to my fierce six-pack.
My smoothly tanned skin radiates a golden warmth. My elegantly obnoxious board shorts hang perfectly low on my statuesque torso. I have worked so hard to achieve this physique and yet… something is wrong.
I feel a deep rumbling within my stomach, below the layer of sculpted muscle. Pain shoots through my abdomen.
A storm is brewing within my bowels – I can feel it. Panic gallops through my nerve endings like a prize stallion. What is happening to me?!!
Suddenly it hits me: the fish tacos from the beach bar! I can feel them waging war on my innards. This is all my fault.
I should have known that “tilapia” wasn’t a real thing.
I glance nervously around me and anxiously run my fingers through my perfectly-coiffed hair. I have about 60 seconds before disaster strikes.
The flash goes off, the picture is taken, and I sprint up the beach toward the bathroom.
The “Music Festival”
Oh my god this guy literally smells like a drainage pipe.
How many rancid Cheetos did he eat before coming here?! He keeps awkwardly holding onto my knees. Personal space puh-leez. Just because I need a human vehicle to get around this overly-crowded festival doesn’t mean I want to have any actual physical contact. Just keep smiling.
These tickets were so overpriced, but it seems like I might as well have bought a VIP pass to the local swamp. Why do these people have so many PIERCINGS??? Ew I haven’t sweat this much since my chemistry final. I have absolutely never heard of any of these bands. They all sound the exact same, with a lot of screechy electronica music and stupid names like Purple 6 and Flewm.
I really have to pee but there were some super weird noises coming from the porta-potty.
I can’t believe my friend talked me into coming here. I have a perfectly good PSAT waiting for me at home.
This stupid flower crown is making my forehead itch… wait, am I allergic to daisies?? OH MY GOD I’m going to die. Where is my epi-pen?! OH MY GOD IT FELL OUT OF MY FANNY PACK.
I am NEVER going to another festival for the REST of my LIFE.
The “Blurry Rager”
I have to get this angle right so people won’t see my Hello Kitty pajama bottoms… Do you think that if I make this picture blurry they’ll think that people actually showed up at my house? I don’t know why, but it feels absolutely necessary for everyone to know that I party… OMG I bet if I use flash it will look like I’m having fun! MOM GET OUT OF THE BACKGROUND! ugh she’s the worst… Ooh this red solo cup will definitely make it look like I’m having a great time.. MOM I DIDN’T ASK FOR PRUNE JUICE I’M NOT CONSTIPATED ANYMORE, GOSH! Oh well I’ll just make sure that you can’t see the inside of the cup when I take the picture… OMG and when employers are looking me up on Facebook they’ll be able to see how much fun I used to have as a kid! I’m sure to be the life of all office parties. Guaranteed job offer. Okayyy do you think maybe this lamp will look like a tall skinny guy? Ugh even with all this I still won’t be able to make it look as cool as the supervised dances in the science center at school 🙁