Sports

Under the leadership of Spencer Macquarrie, Jack Doyle, and Maggie Law, The Phillipian Sports section looks boldly into the future, striving to continue the age old tradition of their section: ridiculously generic and formulaic articles. One change that the new editors plan to make involves editing articles. “When we still had CXXXI running the show, we’d edit articles with a pen,” said Macquarrie. “Boring, right? Now, we’re editing purely with our All-American good looks. We think it’ll work out great. Even if it doesn’t, it’s all good, I have a perfectly symmetrical face.” The incoming editors are optimistic about the future of the section. “We’re really stoked to go out there and score a touchdown with our hard-hitting sports coverage,” said Doyle. “We’re putting runs up onto the board and scoring points with our promise to inform you about everything related to Andover sports.” When asked if Doyle could speak in anything but sports clichés, Maggie Law answered, “No. He’s been like this for a couple of weeks. We hope it’s just a phase, but it doesn’t look like he’s pulling out of it.”