The Eighth Page

Tomfoolery in Wenchdom

Like so many Uppers, this term I have found myself engulfed in the epic works of the world’s most brilliant dramatist: no, not Gary Busey – I’m talking about Bill Shakespeare. In fact, I’ve become so obsessed with his works that I have decided to offer my own rendition of a set of Shakespearean sonnets entitled, Tomfoolery in Wenchdom. Sonnet 37 Dearest Esther, With your gloves of rubber, Though the bacteria may fester, I love no other. Your monkey bread, So stale and light, My heart fills with dread When you go home for the night. Your hair is netted Your voice like gravel O! how my heart is fretted And my nerves unravel. Sweet Esther, like a flower, you bloom in my view. Monkey bread and orange soda? Okay, I’ll trust you. Sonnet 49 Precious spring So tragically fleeting It’s starting to sting My head is bleeding. Someone hit me In the head with a bat I bleed when I pee Imagine that? Spring is beautiful We all agree But who would think It would be so dangerous? One fish, two fish Red fish, blue fish. Sonnet 198 Oh, Cassie Tognoni So stunning in pastels Have you ever driven a Zamboni? Gee, that’s swell. Your love for Polo (Ralph Lauren) Is, at times, concerning You adore the hockey men God, my loins are burning. You drive a beamer SUV Hey, that’s pretty awesome. But, Cass, if it were up to me, You’d ride a wild possum. Oh Cassie, you’re Republican. Hockey team on the ice today, uh-oh, you’re in love again! Sonnet 987 Proud Phillipian, Mighty paper. Monday night, again These long hours I savor From daybreak till midnight I toil away It just wouldn’t seem right To have a relaxing day. But for all my complaints, My sorrows and woes, The ladies respect me For the path that I chose. Oh, Phillipian You’re my fave! Sonnet 4,235 This is not a full sonnet For I’ve run out of space. Thanks for reading my article Though it was a disgrace. It’s late at the Phillipian Everyone’s gone home. So now I’m stealing things And making prank calls on the phone. -W.C.K. Vareika