The Eighth Page

Confucius Says

It’s negative three degrees outside and there’s enough snow to make a patriarchal Eskimo village. You’re nearly at the end of Winter Term, and the excessive sanding on the paths and barely-functioning heaters are getting to you. You’ve already lost the power to mold your lips into that gleaming smile for which you’re oh-so-famous. What do you do? The answer is simple: send an electronic mail (e-mail for short) question to your funny Asian friend, Mr. Ng. And if the questions get too hot for Features (Sizzle), he might even answer it on a hot date. Ok, let’s start. OMG, I’m excited. Dear Ng, What happens if I flirt with three guys and then have to decide between the three once they start to reciprocate? – Never quite sexually fulfilled Looks like we’ve got a desperate situation. But don’t worry, Ng’s here. Try pulling the Joe Millionaire trick (He picked Zora, by the way). Test the three boys and see which one really loves you for who you are. Arrange individual meetings with each of them in your room, setting the mood for the perfect “study parietal” with the sweet sounds of Boyz II Men. Then, when he walks in, hold his hand and tell him, “Being with you has been as exciting as the Superman thrill ride at Six Flags. The adrenaline, the passion, the bile excretion. And as we move onto the next step, I need to tell you something. I’m actually not a Phillips Academy student. In fact, I’m a construction worker who specializes in bulldozing. I practically built Gelb! I don’t know if you can accept me, but if you do, meet me in Ryley Saturday night. I’ll be waiting.” Come Saturday night, wait patiently with your most angelic dress. The one who loves you the most will come, and you two will live happily ever after. If all three come, a ménage à quatre won’t be that bad, I promise. Dear Ng, my birthday is coming up soon. Any good ideas as to how I should celebrate? -Hustla Go, Go, Go, Go, Go, go, go shawty. It’s your birthday; we gon’ party like it’s yo birthday. We gon’ sip Sierra Mist like it’s your birthday, and you know we don’t give a four-day weekend. It’s not your birthday! I love rap music. Who cares about your birthday, anyway? Dear Ng, why is the faculty so much more attractive than the student body? – YC Well, maybe the Phillips Academy students are unattractive, or the teachers are sizzling hot! You decide. Either way, it’s normal for some students to find their teachers attractive, I think. Wait, no. It’s not normal. If you currently have a crush on one of your teachers, slap yourself on the hand for me. Teacher-student love relationships are bad, very very bad. Haven’t you heard of the expression “Student + Teacher + Love = Court Justice/Restraining Order?” Dear Ng, How does a suave, good-looking guy like you spend your weekends? -Delusional Seeing that I live in the Far East Coast (Go Hong Kong!), I don’t have the privilege of going home during the weekends. Instead, I spend most of my time in the rows of Loews Cinemas. Here are a few recaps of recent movies I’ve seen: How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days: Girl: My love for you is actually a lie. Guy: Really? Same here. Girl: I don’t know if I can trust you anymore. Guy: Whatever, wanna make out? Shanghai Knights: Jackie Chan: Ching chong wing wang wah! Kung Fu! Owen Wilson: Howdee, yeeha! Asians in America! Final Destination 2: Guy: “Dude, death is like, so uncool.” Girl: “Me too. Let’s go to Starbucks.”